Saturday, August 16, 2008

How Bollywood achieved gender equality

In an attempt to achieve gender equality in apna filmdom, it has been reported that all our bollywood leading men have been advised of the following fashion guidelines.
  • You will henceforth wax your chest hair and show as much cleavage (if not more) as your heroines. You will of course take full advantage of the one thing you can do in a family movie that your heroines cannot. Go topless! While our Sallu miyan has been the trend setter here, strict warnings have been issued to a certain Kapoor to clean up his act. Here are some illustrative examples.




  • Waxing does not stop with chest hair. You will use the sticky goo until you achieve silky smooth legs comparable to your female leads. Once achieved, those fine legs can be displayed on screen while wearing bottoms of variable lengths.


Better (note: this image also shows how not to cover your legs)


  • You will style your hair to match that of your female co-stars. This will not only help both hero and heroine look alike but also make life so much easier for hair dressers. We understand this will be a difficult rule to follow but have seen boys men who made it happen.

Perfect !

  • You will insist that your director will have at least one song shot on you right after you finish taking a shower and one right after you finish swimming. This has previously been the domain of the lady stars but we have had brave men who have taken up and performed the feats as convincingly as any of those lovely ladies.
  • You will follow a daily cleansing routine comparable to that of the reigning beauty queens. We appreciate his highness Baadshah Khan for setting up a regimen suitable for all you Bollywood stars.
In related news, budding star Riteieiesssh Deshmuuukkkkh has mentioned to a new talk show host that these new fashion rules have helped him get in touch with his feminine side. He was relieved at not having to wear drag ever again.

Happy Rakshabandhan

To the two men...

...who holding my hand walked me through every difficult moment of my life.

...who have answered my phone calls day or night and heard all my rants patiently.

...who always covered up for me when I got myself into silly troubles.

...who kicked my behind when I got complacent.

...who have been a part of all those funny childhood stories.

...who have promised to never make me feel alone.

Happy Raksha bandhan to my two wonderful brothers who mean so much to me!!

Monday, August 11, 2008

Two weddings and a lovely couple

First things first. I need to apologize for the disappearing act. I was away from here because of a combination of travel and laziness. Thanks Dew and Snippets for stopping by to check if everything was alright with me. I was away for the past few days to be a part of a very special wedding. Read on for the details.

The Girl: The eldest of the siblings from a sleepy little town in mid western United States. In addition to being good at school, she was very crafty and took up a lot of artsy projects like sewing, glass staining and knitting. She was a great cook and baked the sweetest of the cakes. In essence she was the kind of girl you wanted to take home to your parents.

The Boy: Eldest of the siblings from one of the IIT-ians churning south Indian city. True to his city's fame, he did well in school, went to IIT, got admitted to a good American University and all that jazz. He looked good, had a lovely personality and was quite charming. In short he was our typical Bollywood chocolate boy.

Boy met girl, they started going out pretty soon. Intially they had a lot of fun like every couple does during the honeymoon period. Then their first big test came up. The boy had to meet the girl's family. He went over, met her family and they all seemed to like him. It was then time for her to meet his family. His parents disapproved of her without even meeting her. Obviously, he was ruining their conservative brahmin family values. Knowing about the boy's parents rejection, the girl's parents decided they dont like the boy either. After a lot of persuasion from the boy and the girl, the parents decided to meet each other. Both set of parents met, quarrelled some about whose culture was great, argued about how their grandchildren need to be raised and quarrelled some more about remotely related issues like toilet paper, silk, gold and fastfood. Finally, the parents believed they managed to break off the relationship.

But in true filmy style, after a couple of months of keeping quiet and pretending to have moved on in life, the boy and the girl got back together. They moved to a neutral country in Europe away from both sets of parents and informed them of their decision to get married. The parents had to give in and approve of their relationship. Now, a fresh batch of quarrels broke out about how and where the wedding has to happen. This time, the boy and the girl found an easy way out. They traveled to India and got married in the traditional south Indian Hindu style. The boy's parents were happy. They went back to the US and had a Christian wedding ceremony. The girl's parents were happy too.
I know they are not the first inter-racial couple. I also know their struggles will not end here. Besides the usual hassles of married life, they will have to bear the additional burden of integrating two different cultures in their home, teaching their children about two different religions and living up to the wedding vows they exchanged twice in two different languages. But knowing what I know about them, I think they will do just fine. Please join me to wish my brother and sister-in-law a lifetime of health, happiness, love and courage.